Mainframe Jokes

How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank".

A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS". "G.O.O.D" answered his wife.

If you can pick it up, it's a PC.
If you can't pick it up but you can push it over, it's a minicomputer.
But when you can't pick it up or knock it over, it's a mainframe.

A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.

Tell them that when a data set is scratched it doesn't itch any more.
NO! Scratching it just makes in worse! And can lead to a viral infection. Never scratch your data!

Why did the systems programmer cross the road?
To recreate the problem...

How was Herman Hollerith buried?
9 edge face down.

What do you call a JCL specialist that takes care of procs?
A Proc-tologist

A systems programmer was at lunch with some Data Processing auditors. The waitress asks the sysprog what he wants for lunch and he says "Pork chops". She says "What about the vegetables?". The sysprog says "Oh they can order for themselves".

How many D.P. Auditors does it take to wallpaper a room?
That depends on how thinly you slice them.

News Flash: A catwalk over the Shark tank at the aquarium collapsed earlier today and a group of visiting D.P. Auditors fell in. According to late reports, all of the Sharks were safely rescued.

What is the difference between a dead armadillo and a dead D.P. Auditor lying in the middle of a Texas road?
There are skid marks in front of the armadillo.

Why did the fat guy love ISPF?
It has a menu...

How do you keep a DB2 DBA in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow

Sysprog: Is your batch job running?
Application Programmer: Yes
Sysprog: Well you better go catch it.

How does a Systems Programmers screw in a lightbulb?
He holds it into the socket and waits for the world to revolve round him.

What would you have if Computer Associates and Candle Incorporated merged then their stock split?
A CA/CI split.

What does PID stand for?

Poughkeepsie Inflamatory Disease?
PE In Distribution

What does MVS stand for?

More Volume Sales
Man vs. System
Many VSE Systems
Moves Very Slowly

What does TSO stand for?

Take System Over
Terrible System Overhead
Time Sucking Option

But wait there's more:

PTF - Probably This Fixes
IBM - It's Better Manually
IBM - I've Been Mislead
SMS - System Mangled Storage
MVS - Man VS System

Some groaners

Elvis and Jesus are editing their programs on TSO when the system crashes. Who lost their files?
Elvis. (Because Jesus Saves)

What program did the child pornographer use to transfer his files to and from MVS?
IND$PEDOPHILE.

Return to Mainframe Humor page. (Not an exit from SCIDS)